Healthy Dating Relationship - The Ex-Factor

• How often are you bothered by your partner’s ex? As a relationship and marriage counselor, I receive frequent consults for issues stemming from a partner’s ex. The Ex-factor is often a big issue for couples who are struggling with commitment or in a committed relationship. The ex may be perceived as nothing more than a petty annoyance to an outward threat to the security of the relationship. This is an area that is crucial to the overall health of your relationship. How do you know if you are in the danger zone when it comes to the Ex-factor?
  
  
  Ask yourself the following questions:
  
  -How often do you worry about the affect your partner’s ex has on your relationship?
  
  -How often do you argue about your partner’s ex?
  
  -Are you frequently jealous or feel left out of important family events in which an ex will attend (often if there are children)?
  
  
  While it is natural to have feelings of insecurity from time to time, outright jealousy or paranoia is not healthy in a relationship. Excessive jealousy could be an indicator that your alliance is on shaky ground. Perhaps your partner has given you reason to suspect that he or she has not moved on from a past relationship, or makes comparisons between you and a former flame. If you are not the jealous type by nature, generally do not need excessive reassurance or have a long-standing issue with insecurity in relationships, you may want to re-evaluate your relationship.
  
  Here are some of the key indicators that you are in the danger zone:
  


• Your partner speaks frequently about the relationship and break-up.
  


• Your partner states he or she doesn’t know why the relationship ended.
  


• Your partner’s ex was unfaithful.
  


• Your partner is looking to you for answers and insight into situation with the ex.
  


• Your partner shows a great deal of emotion with regard to this relationship (speaks with anger; sadness; regret; loss).
  


• Your partner has a lot of contact with the ex (only acceptable if there are children).
  You are aware that your partner has been dishonest about the amount of communication he or she has with the ex.
  


• Your partner is still seeking closure with the ex by writing letters or phone calls.
  


• Your partner has photographs, gifts, articles of clothing in his/her physical environment that are reminders of the relationship.
  


• You have a sense that this issue is not resolved and you feel anxious or emotionally drained after a discussion about the problem.
  


• Your partner is still married or recently separated.
  


• Your partner regularly socializes with the ex with the explanation that they are now “friends.”
  
  
  If you are in a relationship with someone who has not moved on from a past relationship, your chances for a lasting commitment with this person are not favorable. More importantly, the blows to your self-esteem can be very harmful if you attempt to either change your partner’s views, compete with the ex, or engage in “helping” your partner with his or her problem.
  
  If you frequently find yourself in painful, dead-end relationships, you may have underlying core issues that will make it difficult to find an emotionally available and satisfying partnership. You may find additional help with relationship issues at http://www.therapyontheweb.org/.
  
  Leslie Miller, LICSW

Healthy Dating Relationships and the Single Mom

If you are a single mom you may be completely overwhelmed by the prospect of ever dating again. It is true that your dating life will be much more complicated now that you are a single mom. The demands of work, running a household and taking care of little ones doesn’t at first glance seem compatible with late night romantic strolls, or long getting-to-know you chats over a glass of wine. Be assured that although the dating scene may be more complicated as a single mom, it is possible to find love again. How successful you are in your dating experiences is largely up to you. It is crucial that you evaluate potential mates when beginning a new relationship through the lens of your children as well as your own.


What do you need to consider when you begin a new relationship? Most importantly, you need to be very careful about introducing your children prematurely to someone whom you are dating. The very idea that you are dating may be very threatening and overwhelming to children following divorce. Children are often fragile following a divorce. This is a time that children need a great deal of reassurance that both parents will love them unconditionally. Children that have experienced abandonment by a parent may be the most threatened when confronted with the notion that mom is dating someone new. You may need to delay introducing a potential mate for many months depending on your children’s readiness to handle a new situation.


If you are a single mom and are trying to assess whether or not you are in a healthy dating relationship (see healthy dating criteria) here are some things to consider before taking the relationship to the next level:

1. Does your potential mate understand that your children will always come first? Many 2nd marriages fail due to a lack of understanding that children will always come first whether they are your children or your partner’s. You and your potential mate need to be on the same page and have realistic expectations when it comes to priorities in the relationship.
   If your potential mate has children as well, does he make them the first priority particularly if they are very young or school age?
   



2. Do you and your partner have appropriate boundaries with grown children? Even grown children can present difficulty if they are enmeshed with a parent. They may have a lot of opinions about who mom or dad gets to date. They may worry that they will be upstaged or replaced if they have played the role of confidante or supporter in a divorce, or feel abandoned.
   



3. Does your partner pressure you regarding your children whether it’s the time you spend with them, your parenting style, or co-parenting issues with your ex? The two of you will need to work seriously on boundaries if you move forward with this relationship.
   



4. Last but not least, you are in a monogamous relationship with someone who is emotionally and physically available to you. If you have any doubts about the stability of your partnership, do not invest your child’s emotions with anyone who is inappropriate, or with whom you question long-term potential.
   
   
   Beginning the introduction to your children:
   With fragile feelings a first meeting can be tough, particularly with older children who have a higher level of awareness and understanding. Here are some guidelines:
   

• A first meeting should be brief, perhaps at a neutral place like a park or an outdoor event. Limit physical contact and displays of affection at this stage.
  



• Keep the dialogue open with your children. Allow them a safe zone to ventilate any negative feelings they may have about the fact that you are dating. Allow them to express their fears, concerns and disappointment. Your children may be harboring a secret wish that you will reconcile with your ex. Having a boyfriend, or significant other, is another stage of realization that drives home the fact that this is not likely to happen. This can be very crushing for some children.
  



• Affirm for your children that your having a new partner does not diminish the importance of the other parent.
  



• Be patient. It may take some time before your child can comfortably co-exist with your potential mate.
  
  
  
  If you are struggling with issues following a divorce you may find additional help and support at http://www.therapyontheweb.org/.
  
  L. Miller, LICSW

Are You in a Healthy Dating Relationship?

• What is a healthy dating relationship? How soon when you begin dating can you tell if you will be compatible over the long haul? How successful you are in your dating experiences is largely up to you. Most importantly, it is critical to be honest with yourself when beginning a new relationship.
  
  We all know the dating process can be draining and difficult. We may have to go on dozens of disappointing dates before finding someone with whom we feel even remotely compatible, let alone experiencing full-on chemistry with an eligible mate. While timing and luck may play a role in dating, having an awareness of what we need and want in a mate, as well as what we have to offer a potential mate in return, play a big part in whether or not we will date and mate successfully.
  
  How do you determine whether or not you are in a healthy dating relationship in the early stages of getting to know each other? Here are some key questions to ask yourself:
  
• Does your potential mate call you frequently and give you ample notice when making plans? Or does he or she sort of expect that you will be available for last minute get togethers? Taking time to make plans, communication, and respect for your time are very big indicators when assessing behavior and considering relationship potential.
  


• What is the quality of the time you have spent together? Do you spend a lot of time talking and getting to know one another? If you and your date have a high degree of physical chemistry, how do you handle that when you are trying to get to know each other?
  


• Have you discussed readiness for a physical relationship? Are you having a sexual relationship without know your partner’s sexual history or expectations? In a healthy dating relationship, discussions regarding physical intimacy need to happen early on.
  


• Are you both on the same page with your expectations? If you are looking for a committed relationship, it may not happen with someone who is in the separation stage from a spouse or long-term partner.
  


• If you have children, have you discussed how your dating experiences may affect them? Discussions about children need to happen early in the relationship.
  


• Ask yourself if you are ready to take a dating relationship to the next level. Are you over an ex lover or spouse? Do you carry a high level of resentment for a former spouse or lover? What about your potential mate…how often does he/she talk about their ex? Frequent discussions about an ex may be a sign that your date has a lot of unfinished business which will not bode well for the long-term.
  


• Has your date communicated to you whether or not he or she would like to be in a long-term relationship? A good rule of thumb when pondering long-term potential is - consider your comfort level. If you experience chronic confusion, or feel that you are getting “mixed signals,” you are most likely, not in a healthy dating relationship with long-term potential.
  
  

OK, so you are well past the initial dating stage and are moving toward a relationship – how do you determine you are in a healthy relationship?

1. Your partner has appropriate boundaries physically and emotionally. He or she respects your personal space, your time and your relationships with important others.
   


2. Your partner is not excessively jealous. Everyone has a past. If your partner does not trust you, or frequently checks on your whereabouts, consider that you are not in a healthy dating relationship. Excessive jealousy and possessiveness can be a precursor to violence in relationships.
   


3. Your partner manages negative emotions appropriately.
   


4. Your partner takes responsibility for their actions. A mature person understands that the quality of their personal relationships is up to them and will not blame you for misunderstandings.
   


5. Your partner keeps the lines of communication open and is willing to discuss issues that are important to you.
   


6. Your partner seeks harmony in the relationship and feels happy when good things happen to you.
   


7. Your partner doesn’t expect you to solve his/her problems. A good partner stands on his or her own feet.
   


8. Your partner has healthy relationships with others.
   


9. Your partner has a stable residence, telephone number and job.
   


10. Your partner does not engage in provocative behavior with the opposite sex, or engage in cyber relationships.
    


11. Your partner does not engage in excessive secrecy, frequently break plans, or refuse to be accountable for his or her whereabouts.
    


12. Your partner does not engage in illicit drug and alcohol use.
    

If you are struggling to determine whether or not your relationship is healthy, or would like additional support, contact http://www.therapyontheweb.org.L. Miller, LICSW