Healthy Dating Relationship - The Ex-Factor

• How often are you bothered by your partner’s ex? As a relationship and marriage counselor, I receive frequent consults for issues stemming from a partner’s ex. The Ex-factor is often a big issue for couples who are struggling with commitment or in a committed relationship. The ex may be perceived as nothing more than a petty annoyance to an outward threat to the security of the relationship. This is an area that is crucial to the overall health of your relationship. How do you know if you are in the danger zone when it comes to the Ex-factor?
  
  
  Ask yourself the following questions:
  
  -How often do you worry about the affect your partner’s ex has on your relationship?
  
  -How often do you argue about your partner’s ex?
  
  -Are you frequently jealous or feel left out of important family events in which an ex will attend (often if there are children)?
  
  
  While it is natural to have feelings of insecurity from time to time, outright jealousy or paranoia is not healthy in a relationship. Excessive jealousy could be an indicator that your alliance is on shaky ground. Perhaps your partner has given you reason to suspect that he or she has not moved on from a past relationship, or makes comparisons between you and a former flame. If you are not the jealous type by nature, generally do not need excessive reassurance or have a long-standing issue with insecurity in relationships, you may want to re-evaluate your relationship.
  
  Here are some of the key indicators that you are in the danger zone:
  


• Your partner speaks frequently about the relationship and break-up.
  


• Your partner states he or she doesn’t know why the relationship ended.
  


• Your partner’s ex was unfaithful.
  


• Your partner is looking to you for answers and insight into situation with the ex.
  


• Your partner shows a great deal of emotion with regard to this relationship (speaks with anger; sadness; regret; loss).
  


• Your partner has a lot of contact with the ex (only acceptable if there are children).
  You are aware that your partner has been dishonest about the amount of communication he or she has with the ex.
  


• Your partner is still seeking closure with the ex by writing letters or phone calls.
  


• Your partner has photographs, gifts, articles of clothing in his/her physical environment that are reminders of the relationship.
  


• You have a sense that this issue is not resolved and you feel anxious or emotionally drained after a discussion about the problem.
  


• Your partner is still married or recently separated.
  


• Your partner regularly socializes with the ex with the explanation that they are now “friends.”
  
  
  If you are in a relationship with someone who has not moved on from a past relationship, your chances for a lasting commitment with this person are not favorable. More importantly, the blows to your self-esteem can be very harmful if you attempt to either change your partner’s views, compete with the ex, or engage in “helping” your partner with his or her problem.
  
  If you frequently find yourself in painful, dead-end relationships, you may have underlying core issues that will make it difficult to find an emotionally available and satisfying partnership. You may find additional help with relationship issues at http://www.therapyontheweb.org/.
  
  Leslie Miller, LICSW