If you are a single mom you may be completely overwhelmed by the prospect of ever dating again. It is true that your dating life will be much more complicated now that you are a single mom. The demands of work, running a household and taking care of little ones doesn’t at first glance seem compatible with late night romantic strolls, or long getting-to-know you chats over a glass of wine. Be assured that although the dating scene may be more complicated as a single mom, it is possible to find love again. How successful you are in your dating experiences is largely up to you. It is crucial that you evaluate potential mates when beginning a new relationship through the lens of your children as well as your own.
What do you need to consider when you begin a new relationship? Most importantly, you need to be very careful about introducing your children prematurely to someone whom you are dating. The very idea that you are dating may be very threatening and overwhelming to children following divorce. Children are often fragile following a divorce. This is a time that children need a great deal of reassurance that both parents will love them unconditionally. Children that have experienced abandonment by a parent may be the most threatened when confronted with the notion that mom is dating someone new. You may need to delay introducing a potential mate for many months depending on your children’s readiness to handle a new situation.
If you are a single mom and are trying to assess whether or not you are in a healthy dating relationship (see healthy dating criteria) here are some things to consider before taking the relationship to the next level:
- Does your potential mate understand that your children will always come first? Many 2nd marriages fail due to a lack of understanding that children will always come first whether they are your children or your partner’s. You and your potential mate need to be on the same page and have realistic expectations when it comes to priorities in the relationship.
If your potential mate has children as well, does he make them the first priority particularly if they are very young or school age? - Do you and your partner have appropriate boundaries with grown children? Even grown children can present difficulty if they are enmeshed with a parent. They may have a lot of opinions about who mom or dad gets to date. They may worry that they will be upstaged or replaced if they have played the role of confidante or supporter in a divorce, or feel abandoned.
- Does your partner pressure you regarding your children whether it’s the time you spend with them, your parenting style, or co-parenting issues with your ex? The two of you will need to work seriously on boundaries if you move forward with this relationship.
- Last but not least, you are in a monogamous relationship with someone who is emotionally and physically available to you. If you have any doubts about the stability of your partnership, do not invest your child’s emotions with anyone who is inappropriate, or with whom you question long-term potential.
Beginning the introduction to your children:
With fragile feelings a first meeting can be tough, particularly with older children who have a higher level of awareness and understanding. Here are some guidelines:
- A first meeting should be brief, perhaps at a neutral place like a park or an outdoor event. Limit physical contact and displays of affection at this stage.
- Keep the dialogue open with your children. Allow them a safe zone to ventilate any negative feelings they may have about the fact that you are dating. Allow them to express their fears, concerns and disappointment. Your children may be harboring a secret wish that you will reconcile with your ex. Having a boyfriend, or significant other, is another stage of realization that drives home the fact that this is not likely to happen. This can be very crushing for some children.
- Affirm for your children that your having a new partner does not diminish the importance of the other parent.
- Be patient. It may take some time before your child can comfortably co-exist with your potential mate.
If you are struggling with issues following a divorce you may find additional help and support at http://www.therapyontheweb.org/.
L. Miller, LICSW
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